Wrestling With God Read online

  "So, Jude, you risked your own life and the three other men, just to let Mr. Haloran and his two women co-workers learn a lesson, is that right?" Henry sat down on the bed, quickly and hard. Jude screamed. "Oh, sorry, I forgot about your wounds. So, Jude, what did you feel when you learned that Zeke Hatfield and his nephew died in the little skirmish?"

  "I thought they were stupid, that's what."

  "But you just said that it was you who wanted to teach the people in the car a lesson."

  "We all did."

  "Do you think that I believe all this bullshit you're shoveling at me?" "Well, uh, sure, 'cause it's the truth."

  "Jude, who told you when the three contract employees left Booneville?"

  "Nobody, like I said, we just happened to see them on the highway."

  "What would you say if I told you Mr. Corbin had a completely different story about all this?"

  "I'd say he's lying. He ain't too smart, you know."

  Henry pulled back the blanket and looked at Jude's bandages that covered his torso from the waist down to his upper thigh. "Well, that's quite a bandage; it must be covering quite a wound."

  "And it hurts like hell. Is that bitch being charged for attempting murder?"

  Henry ignored him and nodded toward the door. We returned to the conference room where Dan and Jack were waiting. Henry asked them what they learned from Corbin. Dan responded, "About all is that Corb is very stupid. I can't believe that the prison ever hired him as a guard. He did say that Jude Baker was the leader of the group like the detective said. And he said that Jude just told him and the others that they were going to rough them up a bit."

  Our group spent more time discussing the scene and the testimony. The phrase "rough them up" came up several times, until I said, "I did an article a few years ago on the drug trade. The 'rough them up a bit' came up quite often. I'm wondering if these guys are involved in drugs. It is a problem at the prison, is it not?"

  I could almost see a light come on inside his head. "I think you've got something there, Rebecca. It would explain this thing. Whoever is involved in drugs is making a mint and if we upset it, they would be outraged." He bent down and kissed me on the cheek. "You, my dear, are a treasure."

  A nurse informed us that Jerry's surgery was over and he was resting in one of the recovery rooms. He was still sleeping. It was a little after 2:00 a.m. I told the three men that I would go to the room and wait.

  There was only one hard-backed chair in the room and I was sure I wouldn't get any rest. I was wrong. I woke up around 5:00 with a start. I almost fell out of the chair. Jerry looked quite peaceful and I started thinking of that first time I met him. He sent me across the street to visit an elderly bedridden woman. She was one of the most delightful people I've ever known. I was lost in the memory and smiling when Jerry startled me with, "Wow, have I died and gone to heaven? And you're an angel, right?"

  I jumped up, moved to the bed, carefully avoiding his right shoulder, bent over and gave him a kiss. His lips were very dry. "Oh my God, it is so good to see you," he croaked. "What were you smiling about?"

  I was just thinking that little your pecker of yours is probably so shriveled up, you can't think straight. Am I right?"

  He started to laugh and then screamed and yelled, "You're so mean. You know that?" I'm sure I looked puzzled and he added, "Don't do that again. It hurts like hell when I laugh. Why were you thinking of Alice Peterson in Kansas? And particularly about her comment about bishops?"

  "Because it's funny ... just like you, funny face." He definitely looked like he needed a little humor.

  Chapter 20

  JERRY

  I'm sure we appeared to be quite a bawdy bunch when Dan McGuire came into my room. I managed to keep my shoulder steady as everyone was talking and celebrating Jack and J.J. Dan quietly made his way over to my bed and asked, "What in hell is going on?"

  "Jack just told J.J. that he was in love with her." I watched Dan's reaction—first puzzled, then smiling as he looked over the revelers. "Then J.J. told him she was in love with him, too. And now you're seeing the results." Sonia bounced over and put an arm around Dan and they joined the other two. Dan managed to drop his assistant warden face and laughed with them.

  Dan let all this go on for several more minutes, then announced, "Hey, folks, we do need to get serious, before we wear Jerry out." They said, "party pooper," and sat down.

  I talked with Henry before he left for Jefferson City. He's afraid that the gov will want to close down our reform efforts. I definitely think it is the drug dealers who were behind the attack last night. Henry agrees with me and believes it indicates that we need the reforms even more. So, first, I'd like to hear everyone's ideas about what we need to do now and what you see the prison will look like if we succeed."

  I started, "I had this vision: We develop a prison that is formed around education and rehabilitation where the inmates gain some hope for life. Right now, it seems to me that the basic way we operate is built around punishment and fear. Period. Now to get there what we need to do is: First, continue what Jack was doing and get an entire cell block educated and motivated to be a showcase of what we want the entire prison to look and be like. All of the guards would be on board to treat the inmates with respect and interact with them as worthwhile human beings and the inmates return the favor. Everyone—staff and prisoners—would be drug free. Everyone would meet regularly in some kind of twelve-step program. All the inmates will be working on some kind of educational and/or occupational training that they can use when they are released. I know this is idealistic but it has worked in several countries of Europe, so I think we can do it here."

  "That definitely is very idealistic, Jerry. How many years do you think it would take?" Sonia asked.

  "For a cell block, about eighteen months. For the prison, about three years. We'd need to have these workshops like we had this week about every month. We had sixteen inmates and six guards this week, so we'd need five months to educate an entire cell block—80 inmates and 30 guards." I turned to Dan, "Isn't that about the right number, Dan?" Dan thought it was.

  "What are we going to do right now?" Jack asked. "We've only just completed one workshop and already we've got one rebellion and one staff member down. That's a pretty big problem. J.J. thought we should get together with all six guards and sixteen inmates, like early next week.

  "We'll find out what they thought of the workshop and how we can make it better, what they think about the attack last night, and about the drug problem. Do we know how many of the inmates are using drugs now? How many guards? Like, how many estimated in the entire prison and how many who were in our groups?" She had her pad and pen out, writing this all down.

  We started brain-storming all the issues. We agreed with the broad outline I had presented and thought we could get there. There would be a gathering of all participants next week and after a gathering of everyone, we'd break into our same small groups as we had at the workshop and come up with plans on how to implement them. Everyone agreed that the drug problem was huge and had to be dealt with, otherwise it would destroy the entire program. Each group of six would meet weekly and would choose one inmate and one guard to represent their group in a planning group of eight.

  We talked until a little after noon and Dan recommended, or, I should say, ordered me, to take next week off and heal. He said he would take my place with my group when we met. Jack, J.J., and Sonia would conduct individual sessions with each member of their groups and discuss ideas, especially the drug problem. Dan would interview my group members. I was totally beat after all this and was happy to see them all leave me alone.

  Warden visited me Sunday morning and told me about his visit with the governor. He was pleased with the gov's attitude toward our work and Henry was pleased with Dan's report on our group. He commented, "I've been impressed with your minds and insights, and now I'm impressed with your toughness and ability to defend yourselves." Jack arrived just as the warden was l
eaving. He had brought an extra warm overcoat for me.

  We had gone about a mile and Jack said, "Jerry, are you awake enough for me to pick your brain some more? And I thank you for the tips on talking to J.J. I can't wait to have some one-on-one time with her."

  "You fantasizing hopping in bed with her?"

  "Of course, damnit, and I have another bunch of other questions. I feel so completely ignorant about how men and women relate. Tell me more about how you and Rebecca got to know each other enough to first, have sex, and second, get married. Or did you get married first?"

  "Okay, but first, I want you to know that every couple is different, so I can only share my experience. Remember, I had taken a vow of celibacy, so I did notice how beautiful Rebecca is and how gifted she is in nearly every way. But, I thought, it is hands off ... and mind off, too, if I wanted to sleep at night."

  "Did you masturbate so you could sleep?"

  "Boy, you sure are nosy!" I looked over at him and he was grinning from ear to ear. "Yes, that was my sleeping pill. And, yes, we did make love before we were married, but it took us about seven or eight months to get there. I couldn't give myself permission before we made plans to get married. I believe it was good that we took all those months to get to know one another before we made love because after that, I wanted to get undressed the minute we were alone."

  "Were you good in bed the first time?"

  "Boy, as I said, you sure are nosy. Answer—no, I ejaculated almost immediately and Rebecca, being her usual perceptive self, said, 'Oh, that was wonderful, just hold me.' And she wasn't lying; I did feel it was wonderful to be naked with her, to be safe enough with a beautiful woman friend to be holding her. I think she felt the same way. Our second time that evening was better, though. Anyway, Jack, I encourage you not to rush it. Take time and get to know J.J. and let her set the pace. She'll be as nervous as you. Now, tell me how you plan to get along with her children. How old are they? I've forgotten."

  "Nine and seven, I think. Nine-year-old is a girl. That worries me. I'll do my best to get along. Any suggestions?"

  "Yeah. First, don't try to be a father or dad, just be a good man who would like to get to know them, and you are good at that. They may decide to call you 'Dad' someday, but don't push it. I have no idea how they will feel about you being a white guy. It'll depend on what kind of experience they've had with crackers. Their experience may be like the idiots we dealt with the other night. If so, your work is cut out for you. Just follow J.J.'s lead. In fact, follow her lead on most everything when you are around the house. You are a warm, kind, loving guy and that, hopefully, will be enough. Oh, and how do you get along with the African-Americans in the prison?"

  "I'd say I get along well. Several of them have asked to talk with me. Do you know anything about their father? He was black, was he not?"

  "Yes, he was black, and from what little I know, was, or is, nowhere near as mature and gifted as J.J. or yourself."

  We continued talking about everything until we got to my home. I was struggling to get out of the car and Jack said, "One more thing, Jerry. I am hoping to go out to dinner with J.J. If I do, could I possibly stay with you tonight?"

  "We already have a guest, but I'm sure Agnes, our neighbor whom you've met, will put you up. Want me to ask her?"

  "I'll let you know, okay?"

  "Have a nice visit with J.J."

  "Oh, thanks, Jerry, for the sex education—and add conjugal visits to the vision of the reformed prisons. From my vast experience, a fellow needs sex to have a balanced life. Another question: Where did you get all your education on sex?"

  I laughed, "Mostly reading, I'm afraid." I closed the car door.

  Chapter 21

  REBECCA

  I struggled with April's coat and managed to get her arms in both sleeves when the phone rang. I ran and picked it up. "This is Rebecca."

  April screamed, "I wanna stay wif Daddy. No bassaball."

  "Hi, Rebecca, this is Len Stewart in Belleville."

  "Oh, hi, Len. Wait a moment. I have a pintsized gorilla here who needs some attention. Give me a minute." I went into the living room and asked Jerry if he could take Len's call and was up to take care of April. He said he thought he could do both.

  I returned to the phone. "Len, you still there?" After a yes, I said, "Len, I'm late for an important meeting. Would you please talk with Jerry? It's about Joe Carroll, right?"

  "Yes, it is about Joe Carroll. I'll talk with Jerry. Have a good meeting."

  It took me longer than usual to find a place to park and it was five minutes into the game when I found a seat. Julie's St. Louis U's high school team was ahead by two points. Her team was ahead by four points at half-time. I spotted Kathy Brassley and waved just as I got Jerry on the phone. First, I wanted to know how he was doing with April and second, what Len Stewart had to say.

  "At the moment, April is asleep here on the couch. She was very cooperative although I didn't manage to get her in her pj's. Len said that Joe Carroll was undergoing surgery at the hospital in Belleville. A new inmate came into the county jail who knew Joe and knew he had been arrested for molesting kids. At lunchtime, a bunch of convicts, about five or six Len said, beat Joe nearly to death before the guards could stop them. He had been kept in isolation until a few days ago when the guards thought it was safe to let him be with the others at meal time. They hadn't vetted the newly arrested one, and so the melee. That's about it. Len said he'd call again in the morning when he learned more. How's the game going?"

  "We're leading by only four points. Julie played the entire first half and I'm sure she needs this half-time break."

  When I got home, April was still asleep on the couch and Jerry was asleep beside her ... lying on his left side, of course. I showered and put on my pj's and came back downstairs. Julie was giving Jerry a play-by-play description of the game. They had won by nine points and she was only one assist shy of a triple double, 23 points, 11 rebounds and 9 assists, and was voted the tournament's MVP. Kathy seemed to be nearly as excited as Julie. The state tournament would start next week, and Julie expected her team would be seeded number one. The girls went upstairs to do girl things before heading out for the victory party at a pizza joint.

  Jerry and I started talking about Joe Carroll. We had just started talking when Jack Carroll and J.J. rang the doorbell. I had already congratulated Jack, so I gave J.J. a congratulatory hug and she beamed. They had been out dancing, or I should say, J.J. was out teaching Jack how to dance. I served wine for everyone. Julie and Kathy came downstairs and Julie introduced Kathy to J.J. Kathy said a reluctant, "Hi" to Jack. The girls left quickly and Jerry began telling us about Len Stewart's call. Neither Jerry nor I had given a thought that perhaps J.J. didn't know anything about Jack's twin.

  "Jack, you've never mentioned that you have a brother, let alone, a twin." She said this in a very accusing tone rather like a scolding mother. "What is he in jail for?" We all looked at Jack.

  Jack's face was red as a beet and J.J. was shaking all over. I was afraid he'd bolt for the door. He haltingly said, "J.J., I'm so sorry. Several times I started to tell you and then lost my courage. It is definitely not something I like to talk about." He hadn't made eye contact with her and stopped talking until he did look her in the eye. "Joe Carroll is my identical twin brother, and he is a Catholic priest, and ... he ... is ... a pedophile."

  "Oh ... my ... God! Is that the guy you've been talking and writing about, Rebecca?" I nodded, and she continued, "You always mentioned this guy named 'Joe', and if you added 'Carroll,' I never noticed or paid attention." J.J. picked up her wine and emptied half the glass. She sat the glass back on the coffee table and said, "Well, that really upsets my belief that identical twins are identical. I can understand why you avoided talking about him, Jack. It's the same reason I seldom talk about my bro who killed the policeman. But, damnit, Jack, this is a big damn deal. Why in hell didn't you tell me?"

  Jack tried to give her a hug but J.J. ba
cked away. Jerry said, "J.J., I'll stake my life on the fact that Jack does not have an evil or mean bone in his body. I just know, deep down, that he is safe with your two children." April woke up and started crying and Plato started whining. They weren't used to hearing this level of anger. Jerry suggested that the two of them talk things over in the den. Jack headed there and J.J. reluctantly followed him.

  As he approached the door, Jack turned to Jerry. "Thanks, Jerry, for the vote of confidence. Right now, I'm feeling so ashamed of my family." He then turned to me, "Rebecca, why do you think Len Stewart called you about Joe?"

  "I'm not sure. I guess because he didn't know how to get in touch with you. He knew I was expecting to hear from him about a trial for Joe. I don't really know. He asked if perhaps you and/or I would like to visit him in the hospital. He was beaten severely by several inmates at the jail. He's in the same hospital where Kathy Brassley's mother died. Remember, we visited her there. We'll talk about it later. Go talk to J.J., she's more important right now."

  Jerry and I went into the kitchen and I threw together some sandwiches and salad for us and we talked about Julie and her team. We just finished eating when we heard J.J. and Jack come out of the den. They were smiling and holding hands as we joined them in front of the fireplace. I re-filled their wine glasses and said, "I got another phone call this afternoon that I haven't had a chance to tell anyone about. Some grouchy old man called and asked to speak to me. When I told him I was Rebecca Brady, he said, 'If you want to understand that Father Joe Carson, then get in touch with a Father Sheridan. He's retired and you can find him in Springfield, Illinois.' He gave me the number and I called it. It is an old-folks home but I didn't ask to speak to the old priest. Jack, does this Sheridan guy ring a bell for you?"

  "Yeah, he was a priest at our parish here in St. Louis when I was in grade school. I didn't like him much, but Joe did. Joe served Mass for him for three or four years. I served Mass for a couple of other priests, but I just refused to serve for Sheridan. I remember that Joe and I used to argue about that. I have no idea what he could tell you about Joe."