Love By its First Name Read online

  The smell of coffee awoke Jerry. It hurt to open his eyes, but he did. Lying on the couch, he saw Rebecca holding a cup of coffee and sitting on a chair only a few feet in front of him. She smiled. “Good morning, sleepy head.”

  His head hurt in a way he had never experienced before, like a thousand little men with jackhammers running around inside it. He muttered, “What’s good about it?”

  “I’m alive and thankfully, so are you.” She stood and picked up a glass and some pills from the coffee table. “Here’s some aspirin and tomato juice. Good for hangovers, I understand.”

  Jerry leaned on one elbow and chased the aspirin down with the juice. He moved up and put his head down on the arm of the couch. He felt his chest. It was naked. Moving his hand down his body, he realized he was nude. How in hell did he get undressed. He could feel his face flush. “I’m, uh... I don’t have anything on.”

  “I know.” Rebecca’s smile was almost a laugh.

  “Uh, what happened, and why am I n ... don’t have any clothes on?”

  “The word is ‘naked’, you’re naked, Jerry. Is that a bad word in your priestly world?”

  “No, dammit. Why am I naked? Do you have any more of that coffee?” He couldn’t remember ever having such a headache and his mouth felt like it was full of cotton.

  “Be right back.” Rebecca got up and headed for the kitchen. She placed a cup on the counter; it sounded like she dropped a brick. She reappeared with the coffee and a cold washcloth.

  “Thanks.” He sipped the coffee and put the cloth on his forehead. It helped. “You haven’t answered my question.” As his head cleared, he saw that Rebecca was dressed in tight jeans, a blue sweatshirt, and running shoes. He wondered if she had jogged already.

  “Tell me how much you remember from last night?” Her voice was soft and soothing.

  “I remember we were sitting on this couch and I was drinking brandy. I was feeling uncomfortable. I think the last thing I remember is going into the kitchen and getting some brandy. Uh, I, uh, was thinking that I was pouring too much in the glass and well, that’s about it.” He wrinkled up his face and added, “I think you said something about my being nervous. So, what happened? Uh, what did I do?”

  “You not only poured too much brandy, you drank too much of it. You said you felt sick, and then you staggered toward the bathroom. You would have fallen on your face if I hadn’t helped you.”

  He was puzzled by her smile, as if she knew something terribly amusing. “And why am I, uh, naked?”

  “Because you puked all over yourself and I had to clean you up.” Now she laughed.

  “Why are you laughing? I’ve had to clean up after a few drunks in my life and I didn’t find it funny.”“Well, you were funny, disgusting too, but mostly funny.”

  “What did I do that was so funny?”

  “When I was trying to clean you up and get you undressed, you kept singing, ‘Oh Rebecca, Oh Rebecca, Oh Rebecca darling girl, you are lost and gone forever, dreadful sorry, darling girl.’“ She had deepened her voice and slurred the words to the tune of “My Darling Clementine.”

  “You’re putting me on, aren’t you?”

  “I certainly am not! You’re heavy! I had a helluva time getting you on the couch, undressing you, and tucking you in.”

  Jerry looked down at his feet. “I’m sorry, Rebecca. Singing or not, I’d still be angry, if I had to do what you did.”

  “You know, when I was in Paris, I kept wondering if you were human. Now I know, you are! I like you better, knowing that.”

  Jerry pulled the blanket around him and said, “I’ve got to go to the bathroom.” He hesitated, then told himself that she wouldn’t bite and got up. He clumsily stood and as carefully as possible, draped the blanket around him. He stepped on a corner of it and exposed his rear. He quickly pulled the blanket back around him.

  “You’ve got cute buns, know that?”

  He didn’t look back nor respond. This, he thought, had to be the most embarrassing moment of his life.

  After urinating, he looked at himself in the mirror and muttered, “As my brothers would say, your eyes look like two piss-holes in the snow.”

  Rebecca knocked on the door and said, “I have some clean clothes for you.”

  He stood behind the door, took the clothes and said, “Thank you.” As he closed the door he wondered what she could possibly mean by saying she now knew he ‘was human.’ Of course he was human. He took a shower and put on the clothes.

  Rebecca fixed him some toast for breakfast; it was all he could imagine keeping down. He wished she’d stop looking at him with that bemused smile.

  “Do you remember saying last night that you would like to go on a riverboat cruise today?”

  “Sort of.” He looked out the window. It was a gray looking day.

  “Well, are you up for it or are you too hungover?”

  “It seems I’m being a lot of trouble and not being very good company. You still want to spend time with me?”

  “Sure. Even more so because you don’t make me nervous anymore.”

  “Why in the world would I make you nervous?”

  “You, my dear, are a priest. Or have you forgotten?”

  He couldn’t figure her out. He had vomited all over the place, forcing her to clean him and everything else up, undress him, see him stark naked and then called him ‘my dear’ like it was the most natural thing in the world. He felt like Alice in Wonderland. “You didn’t seem nervous in Paris.”

  “I can put on a pretty good act when I have a job to do. What about the boat ride?”

  “Okay I’ll do it, and I won’t drink any more alcohol. If my headache continues, I won’t complain because I deserve it.”

  “That’s the way God works, huh, He punishes us for our sins by giving us physical pain?”

  “I don’t think God has anything to do with it. I did it to myself by drinking too much.”

  Rebecca sat her cup down and looked serious for the first time. “Jerry, you said you were uncomfortable being here with me last night, remember?” He nodded. “What made you so uncomfortable? I guess uncomfortable enough to get drunk.”

  Jerry looked at her across the table and sipped his coffee. “I’m not sure. Well, that’s not entirely true, I am sure. Rebecca, you are, as you know, a very beautiful woman, and as I think I said, I’ve never stayed in an apartment with a woman before. So I’m nervous.”

  She got that mischievous smile again. “Are you afraid I’ll try to seduce you?”

  He pictured the cartoon devil and angel on his shoulders and smiled. “No, not really.” That damn devil thinks it would be a marvelous idea, though, he thought.

  Rebecca asked, “Why are you smiling?”

  He told her about the devil and the angel.

  “And, of course, you always listen to the angel, right?” Again, the mischievous smile.

  “You know something, Rebecca Brady? When you smile like that you look awfully seductive.” He looked at his left shoulder and added, “And you quit leering at her.”

  “And what is the angel telling you?”

  Jerry folded his hands prayerfully in front of him. “She says, control your passions, my son, and you will get to heaven.”

  “Your head must be getting better, ‘cause you are getting your humor back. By the way, are angels always female and devils male?”

  “How would I know? I’ve never seen either one.”

  Rebecca picked up the dishes. “We better get going if we want to make that cruise. It’s the last one of the season, I’m told.”

  His head had cleared by the time they got to the river. The temperature was in the fifties, cool but not cold. They stood with their hands in their pockets, on the bow of the boat as it pulled away from the dock. The sun was making a valiant effort to disperse the clouds. Except for a few evergreens and some colorful buildings, the shoreline looked very gray. A barge loaded with some kind of cargo and pulled by a tugboat was headed down the mi
ddle of the river.

  Rebecca brushed her hair from her face and said, “I’ve only been on a cruise once before. It was spring and everything was brighter and more beautiful. You’ll have to come back in the spring and we’ll do it again.” She leaned against the railing and gazed at the surroundings.

  Jerry joined her at the railing. “So how’s the mentoring going with Denise and Rene?”

  Rebecca told him about her work with them and how much she was enjoying it. She also talked about the articles she was writing. She then asked him about Kenny Gaffin, Ricky Alexander, and Kathy. Jerry was curious as to why she seemed so interested in Kathy and why she seemed to relax a bit when he told her about Dylan Bradford, Kathy’s music major friend.

  Rebecca looked up at him and smiled. “I get the impression that you don’t like this Dylan fellow. Are you jealous?”

  “Of course not!” He said that too quickly and wondered why. He was sure that she noticed the defensiveness. “I’m hungry, how about you?”

  “I’m more cold than hungry, but I could eat something. Let’s go inside.”

  The riverboat dining area was quite stark: plain wooden tables bolted to the floor and walls with equally plain benches. It had plank floors that needed varnishing and a white somewhat ornate ceiling. Diners had to order their food at a window. A few other couples were occupying the tables or standing in line for food. Some were holding hands, and Rebecca envied them a little and wondered what Jerry would do if she took his hand. They ordered fish and chips. They seated themselves at a window table a few feet from a couple with a cute little red-haired girl who looked to be about seven years old.

  They had taken only a few bites when the girl came over to their table. She held out her hand to Jerry. “My name’s April, what’s yours?”

  “Jerry, and this is Rebecca.” He felt a jolt of despair as he thought of the April who appeared on his first day in Paris. He shrugged off the negativity and noticed the cute April in front of them.

  April held out her hand to Rebecca and said politely, “Nice to meet you, Rebecca.”

  Rebecca smiled, wiped her hands on a napkin and took April’s hand, “Well, thank you April, she said. “How are you today?”

  “Bored.” She glanced at her parents and then whispered, “They said this would be a fun day and all they’ve been doing is arguing about money. May I sit with you?”

  Jerry looked at Rebecca. She smiled and he pulled the outside bench closer to their table. “Sure.”

  April climbed up, straightened her sweater, and looked at Rebecca rather intently. Then she looked at Jerry. Looking back and forth at each of them, she asked, “Are you married?”

  Rebecca laughed and shook her head, ‘no.’ Jerry chuckled but looked embarrassed.

  “Why not?” April asked Rebecca.

  Without hesitating, Rebecca, still chuckling, answered, “Oh, I want to, but he doesn’t.”

  Jerry almost choked on the bite he’d just taken and wondered why Rebecca would say that.

  April studied him for sometime and then turned to Rebecca. “Is he retarded? ‘Cause you sure are beautiful.” She said it like it was spelled ‘bee-you-ti-full’.

  Rebecca grabbed a napkin and put it to her mouth and almost fell off the bench laughing. Jerry laughed too, more at Rebecca than the reference to his intelligence. April looked puzzled.

  Rebecca composed herself enough to answer, “Yes, April, in some ways, I think he is.” She continued laughing.

  At that moment, April’s mother yelled, “April, get back over here this minute and stop bothering people.”

  Jerry said, “She’s really not bothering us. You have a lovely daughter.”

  The woman looked rather sour and responded, “Well, thank you, but we just can’t have her running around like this.”

  April climbed down from the bench, took Rebecca’s hand, and said, “Thank you for talking with me.” She then took Jerry’s hand, smiled, and said, “I really don’t think you’re retarded; I was just teasing.” She scampered back to her folks and waved as they left the dining room.

  Jerry looked at Rebecca, who was wiping tears from her eyes with a napkin and still laughing. She stopped laughing long enough to say, “That was fun. Isn’t she precious? I don’t think her mother appreciates her.”

  The gentle fun she had with April was a side of Rebecca that Jerry hadn’t seen. Somehow, he expected her to be impatient with children. “So, Ms. Brady, would you please tell this somewhat retarded person if you ever wanted to have children?”

  “Not really. I’ve really never given it much thought. What about you?”

  “I’ve thought about it. I like kids and enjoy my sixteen nieces and nephews, but I guess I’ll settle for enjoying other people’s kids.”

  “Sixteen nieces and nephews! How many siblings do you have?”

  Jerry was surprised that Rebecca didn’t know the answer to that question after all the research she had done on him. “Five—two brothers and three sisters. It was like two families when I was growing up. I was the oldest of the younger three. There’s eighteen years difference between my oldest sister and my youngest.”

  “And if I recall, it wasn’t the happiest of families. Why did your mother and father divorce?” Rebecca wrinkled her brow as if trying to remember if she had been told about that.

  “As I think I told you, my dad was a violent alcoholic. After one particular beating, my mom went to the parish priest and he encouraged her to get a divorce, with the proviso that she couldn’t remarry, of course. But, still, that was quite a step for that priest to take. In those days, most priests were telling battered women that they were obliged to stay with their husbands, no matter what. Want to hear something funny?”

  “Sure, but I have a hunch that it isn’t very funny.”

  “Probably not, but anyway, I think one of the many reasons I became a priest was because of the way my dad treated my mother. I believed that to love a woman was to hurt her.”

  Rebecca reached across the table and took Jerry’s hand. “Oh, Jerry that is so sad.

  It’s not funny in any way. Do you still believe that’s true?” Jerry looked puzzled, and she attempted to clarify her question by saying, “I mean, do you still believe that to love a woman is to hurt her?”

  Jerry tried to smile but it looked more like a grimace. “I guess I do or I wouldn’t have gotten drunk last night, would I?” Rebecca pursed her lips, pulled her hand away, and looked away. Jerry, feeling heavy and fearing that it was weighing down Rebecca, too, said, “Let’s talk about you. Why haven’t you given much thought to having children?”

  Looking more than a little uncomfortable, Rebecca said, “Oh, I don’t know, perhaps, like you, my own background told me that childhood wasn’t all that great, maybe to have a child was to hurt her or him.” She brightened up for a moment as if she had discovered a new truth. The brightness seemed to turn wistful as she said, “Of course, to have children, I’d have to find a likely father. I haven’t found a good prospect yet.”

  “But I think you said, or indicated, that you’ve dated quite a few fellows. What about the ACLU guy?” It worried Jerry that he wanted her to say that the lawyer wasn’t the one. Even more worrisome, was his wondering if he, Jerry, would be a likely prospect for Rebecca. He tried to get rid of such ridiculous ideas.

  “No, he’s nice enough but well, there’s not that kind of chemistry between us.”

  “What about the wealthy fellow you mentioned when you were in Paris?”

  “That would be Sam Hawkins. Yes, he was wealthy but could think only of himself. If I had married him and we had two children, I would have three children to take care of. Maybe I’m just too picky, or selfish to get married. I don’t know. Back to you. The other evening when you and Julie were singing that lovely song, you seemed, oh, kind of disturbed, upset, or something. Why was that? I didn’t want to say anything at the time and made a mental note to ask you later.”

  Jerry thought that he proba
bly had the disturbed face on again, as he said: “You remember me telling you about Melanie and how I refused to help her get an abortion?”

  Rebecca nodded and Jerry went on, “Well, there was one item I didn’t mention. That Sunday evening she called and left a message on my answering machine that said, “What color is your heart now, Father Jerry? I think it’s yellow!” If you remember, ‘knew the color of the heart’ was the line just before ‘knew love by its first name.’” He looked away.

  “Oh Jerry, that’s so sad. Now I can see why you were upset with the song. I’m sorry.”

  “That’s okay. You had no way of knowing. I’m sorry for being so grumpy.”

  “So we’re both sorry. So let’s quit being sorry and enjoy the rest of the trip.” Rebecca reached over and took his hand in both of hers. Jerry grinned.

  They made their conversation a bit lighter for the rest of the trip. As they were leaving the boat, Rebecca took Jerry’s hand, but quickly let it go when she felt him get tense. She didn’t say anything and neither did he.

  Rebecca suggested they eat dinner at a French restaurant near downtown St. Louis. He said he would pay for dinner in exchange for the hospitality she’d shown him, Angela and Julie. When he saw the prices on the menu, he was embarrassed to tell her that he didn’t have enough to pay for both of them. Between his nearly maxed-out credit cards and clearing out his checking account for Angela, he would barely have enough to get home. Rebecca insisted on paying for both of them if he would buy her dinner when he returned to St. Louis to visit Julie and Angela.

  They returned to Rebecca’s place around ten and talked a little longer and turned in early. Ever since the riverboat trip, Rebecca seemed to avoid saying anything too personal and asking questions that would make him uncomfortable. He had done the same and was glad that they had put things on a solid platonic basis. It had been a pleasant day and he had managed only to laugh when she teasingly suggested he join her for a shower. He wasn’t about to let her know how arousing that thought was.

  CHAPTER 13

  We ought, then, to turn our minds more attentively than before

  to what we have been taught, so that we do not drift away.