Love By its First Name Read online

  “A few years ago, Bishop, I would have jumped at the chance to go to Central America. In fact, I volunteered to do so twice. I definitely appreciate your offer.” Jerry smiled. “It would be a good way to get me out of sight without raising too many eyebrows.” Scalleti shook his head and started to say something, but Jerry went on, “I don’t think you intended that, Bishop, but, of course, it is true. I think it’s time I tell you why I wanted this appointment.”

  Bishop Scalleti relaxed back in his chair. “Please do.”

  Jerry folded his hands on his lap, unfolded them, and put them on the arms of the chair. He took a deep breath. There was no easy way to begin. “Bishop, I want you to be the first to know that I am resigning from the priesthood.”

  Scalleti immediately leaned forward and put his hands on the desk. “I have to admit that I am surprised. From what I’ve heard, you have done some marvelous work in Paris, and you seemed to enjoy it.”

  Jerry wondered where he could have gotten that information. Except for simple greetings at various gatherings, Wayne Cameron was the only priest he had really talked to over the past year. “I don’t know how marvelous it has been, but I have enjoyed the people and the work there. I will miss them a great deal.” He didn’t know how to explain to this sincere man his reason for leaving the priesthood. He couldn’t even explain it to himself in any logical terms. It was just the right thing to do.

  The Bishop hesitated a moment and then slid the manila folder over in front of him and leafed through it quickly. “Are you planning to marry, Father? Is that your reason for leaving the priesthood?”

  Jerry took a deep and quiet breath to calm his rising anger. What in hell could be in that file about his relationship with Rebecca or anyone else? he wondered “Is there something in my file indicating that may be the case?”

  The Bishop looked serious and, Jerry thought, disapproving, as he looked at the papers in the file. “Yes, there is. It looks like Bishop Mazurski kept pretty scrupulous notes about your activities in Paris, and before. Here’s one that is particularly interesting.” He held up a yellow sheet with neat handwriting on the top half and in large bold print on the bottom half were the words: “FREE THINKER.”

  Jerry leaned forward. “I take it, Bishop, that you aren’t so uncomfortable with free thinking among the priests.”

  “Not for the most part, however I would have disapproved of that sermon of yours. I’ve known Bishop Mazurski for several years and he has to be one of the most conservative bishops in the country. After looking over your file, I wondered why he didn’t kick you out of the priesthood.”

  “He threatened to and I told him I would hold a press conference and give the whole thing as much publicity as possible. He hated any kind of public uproar and I had quite a press following after being shot at the pro-life rally.”

  “I’ve noticed. I read about it in St. Louis. So you blackmailed him?”

  Jerry couldn’t tell if the Bishop’s expression was one of approval or scorn. He wondered if the man played poker? “I guess you could say that. The Paris assignment was a compromise.”

  “So only a year ago you went to great lengths to stay in the priesthood and now you want to leave. You still haven’t told me if you are leaving the priesthood because of a woman.”

  “You asked that question after looking at my file. I asked if there was something in there to indicate that I was involved with a woman and you said yes. Would you mind telling me what it is?” Somehow Jerry’s anger had dissipated; he was now simply curious.

  The Bishop looked down at the file. “I’ll read the notes to you. ‘According to a source in Paris, Father Haloran appears to be unseemingly close to two women there. One is a divorcee named Marge Woerner with whom Father Haloran often goes horseback riding. The two of them have been seen together all over the county. The second woman is a former nun with whom Father Haloran worked in Aberdeen. Her name is Kathleen Olson and she spends each Saturday at the church or in the rectory.’ Bishop Mazurski seems to be quoting someone else as he wrote: ‘Is this not a great scandal to all of the faithful?’ So, Father, I was wondering if one of these women was the reason for your wanting to leave the priesthood.”

  “No they are not, Bishop.” For some reason he could not fathom, Jerry was relieved that Rebecca was not mentioned in the file. Could it be because, despite Father Augustine’s talk, he felt he had more ‘sinful’ thoughts about Rebecca than about Kathy or Marge? “Both women are very attractive and I have to admit I have been very tempted by them. I’m not sure it has been virtue that has held me back from pursuing them romantically. More than likely I’m just afraid of being rejected. Besides, I do not have the kind of feelings for either of them that would make me want to marry.”

  “Thank you for being so candid, Father. Somehow I’m still under the impression that there is a woman in your life.”

  “There is, but I’m not sure whether or not she is interested in marrying me. I haven’t asked. I am not leaving the priesthood only to marry her.”

  “Have you lost the faith, Father?”

  Jerry did not expect this question. He had decided earlier that if the Bishop was in any way antagonistic, he would tell him that the biggest reason for leaving the priesthood was that he had lost faith in the organization of the Church—its paternalism, legalism, dogmatism, and moralism. He did not want to lay this on the man sitting in front of him. This Bishop would have enough trouble with the Neanderthals of the diocese anyway. “No, Bishop, I think I gained faith, faith in myself and a new faith in God. I don’t know if you can understand this, but I have come to the realization that all these years I have been ignoring my feelings, escaping into my head, so to speak. Getting to know people in a deep and intimate way in Paris has made me aware that it is a different kind of love that I want in my life. It is not the distant, careful kind of love that I have to live as a priest. I have gotten to know a couple in Paris who have taught me more about love this year than all the education and retreats I’ve made in my life. They have led a simple life running a country store and raising children. They have five grown children now whom they love very much and who love them in return. The wife and mother died of cancer last November. She is a saint but will never be in any book. I want to be like that couple and not like most of the priests I’ve known.” Jerry then relaxed, although he felt like he had shared or, perhaps, preached too much. He thought of adding that he wanted to know love by its first name, but knew that would entail a long explanation.

  The Bishop again leaned forward and put his hands on the desk. “Believe it not, Father, I do understand. I’ve often had those same thoughts. The thoughts and feelings were so intense that I took a sabbatical around my twelfth year of the priesthood.” He flipped a few pages from the folder and added, “Hmmm, you are in your twelfth year. How about taking a year off, Father Haloran, and then deciding?”

  “I’ve thought of that also, Bishop. I have not told another soul of my plans.” The next person he planned to tell was Kathy Olson. Jerry was amazed at the level of anxiety that arose in him as he thought of telling Kathy.

  Bishop Scalleti surprised him by saying, “What if that woman you are thinking of, tells you to go to hell?” He had a bit of anger in his voice.

  Jerry sat silently for a few moments and then said, “I don’t know what she’ll say. If she doesn’t want to marry me, I plan to spend the next year convincing her that it would be a good idea. If she continues to say ‘no’ after a year, then I will search elsewhere.” Jerry felt good about what he had just said even though he had not thought about it that clearly before. Kathy probably wouldn’t be available in a year if Rebecca rejected him, he thought egotistically.

  “So when do you plan to make this public?”

  “I thought I would explain it to the people in Paris next Sunday.”

  “And I suppose you do not plan to go through the proper channels to be reduced to the lay state.”

  “I know that this will sound h
eretical to you Bishop, but I have never thought of myself as having been elevated above the lay state.” Scalleti smiled and shook his head knowingly. Jerry went on, “I believe that the only one who can excommunicate me from God is myself.”

  The Bishop chuckled, “As our friend Bishop Mazurski said, you definitely are a free thinker.” He rose from the desk and walked around the desk. He extended his hand and said, “Well, Jerry Haloran, I guess that is more appropriate now, I hate to lose a good man. Good luck to you and I hope you will continue to bring love into the world no matter what you will be doing.”

  Jerry took the Bishop’s hand, held it tightly for a moment and looked into the man’s eyes. They were steady, sensitive, and compassionate eyes. He hoped he was not making a mistake. “Thank you.” He chuckled. “Now that I’ve told you of my plans, I guess I can give myself permission to call you ‘David.’ Thanks, David, you will be a great blessing to the people of the diocese.”

  Jerry turned toward the door and then stopped himself. “Oh, I almost forgot, I have an idea for you that might help people. I’ve thought about it for years but never brought it up to Mazurski because I was sure he was so entrenched in the thirteenth century that he wouldn’t be interested.”

  The Bishop chuckled and looked interested. “The twelfth century would be closer. What’s your idea?”

  “When most of the religious orders were founded, life expectancy was between thirty-five and forty and life itself, for the ordinary person, quite bleak. So a vow for life in a relatively secure and comfortable religious order was often a good deal. Now that life expectancy is close to eighty and there are many wonderful choices and lifestyles for people, I think a religious order with five- or six-year vows is in order. I believe that there are many college students who would devote some years to teaching, nursing, and social work, if they didn’t have to think of it as a lifetime commitment. Think about it.”

  “I will. Want to stay around and implement it?”

  “No thank you, David. It has been good to know you, even if it is such a brief knowing.”

  “Your choice, not mine.”

  “I know. Goodbye, Bishop, and good luck. You’ll need it.”

  As Jerry left Aberdeen he felt like a heavy burden had been lifted off his shoulders. He began singing, “Born free, as free as the grass grows, as free as the wind blows, born free to follow your heart...”

  When he finished, Ricky was grinning from ear to ear. “S, s, sing it again. I, I, I like it.”

  Jerry sang it several more times until Ricky had it down. They sang several more songs. At one point Ricky said, “You m, m, must ha, ha, have had a g, g, good m, m, meeting with the Bishop.”

  “Yes, I did Ricky. At least it was good for me.” He didn’t tell him that the singing also helped reduce the anxiety when he thought of his upcoming meeting with Kathy.

  “Ca, ca, can you te, te, tell me about it?”

  “I’ll tell you on Sunday.”

  It was three-thirty when Jerry drove up to the apartment complex where Kathy lived in Manhattan, Kansas. Kathy had a first-floor apartment and he wheeled Ricky up to the door and rang the bell. She was expecting them and almost immediately opened the door. She was dressed in khaki shorts and a white blouse. It had been months since Jerry had seen her in shorts and he took a deep breath.

  “Well, hi, you two. Welcome.” She bent over and gave Ricky a kiss on the cheek and then gave Jerry a hug. Interestingly, he felt the shape of her breasts for the first time even though he had hugged her dozens of times. He guessed that he had finally given himself permission to feel another new feeling and wondered what else was in store for him. As they went into the living room, Kathy asked, “Have you had lunch?”

  “Yes, but we are thirsty.” Jerry sat down on the sofa that Kathy called ‘early Goodwill’ when he visited earlier. She handed each of them a Pepsi and asked, “Well, Jerry, how’d the meeting with the Bishop go. Are you being reassigned?”

  Again Jerry’s anxiety reached a peak and his hand shook as he put the glass of Pepsi down on an end table. “Well, yes, in a way but not by the Bishop.”

  Kathy looked puzzled. “What do you mean?”

  “Kathy, is there some place we could talk? I mean just you and me?” He knew it was a one bedroom apartment and it wouldn’t be appropriate for him to talk with her in the bedroom, not with Ricky present. “You wouldn’t mind if we left you alone Ricky?”

  Ricky looked confused but shook his head. Kathy said, “I guess we could go out by the pool.”

  Jerry wished he had brought along a change of clothes but hadn’t thought of it until then. He had left his suit coat in the car but was still wearing his short-sleeved clerical shirt. He pulled the white collar out and put it in his shirt pocket and folded the top of the shirt in so that it just looked like an ordinary black shirt. While he was doing this, Kathy turned on the small television and showed Ricky how to use the remote.

  As they went out the door, she smiled and said, “Anyone seeing you will still think you’re a priest.”

  Jerry winced and wondered if that were true. She led them to an area near the pool where there were a number of lawn chairs and lounges. As they sat down on two of the chairs near the water and facing each other, Jerry remarked, “I’m surprised they have water in the pool so early.”

  “They just filled it over the weekend. The solar panels take two or three weeks to heat it enough to use. They said it would be ready for swimming by May. So, Jerry Haloran, tell me about the reassignment that isn’t the Bishop’s idea.”

  Jerry took a deep breath, looked at the pool, and then into Kathy’s eyes. “Kathy, I’m leaving the priesthood. After the Bishop, you’re the first to know. I’m planning to announce it at the Masses on Sunday.”

  Kathy put a hand to her throat, looked away and then back at Jerry. “You’re not kidding are you?”

  “No, Kathy, I’m not. As I’m sure you can guess, I’ve been giving it a lot of thought.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  “I hope to get into a doctoral program in psychology.”

  Kathy crossed and uncrossed and re-crossed her legs. “Jerry, I don’t know what to say. Even though you’ve given it a lot of thought, it’s a real surprise to me. All these months, you’ve been saying that you like Paris. Was that a lie?”

  “No, Kathy, that wasn’t a lie. I’ve enjoyed it as much any assignment I’ve had as a priest. And your visits helped make it a real joy.”

  This time, Kathy took a deep breath, was silent for a moment, and then asked, “And this new assignment has nothing to do with me, does it?”

  Jerry could see tears forming in her eyes, “No, Kathy, it doesn’t, except I just wanted you to be one of the first to know.”

  “It’s Rebecca, isn’t it?” Her jaw was tight and, if it were anyone else, he would swear that he saw hatred in her eyes.

  Jerry couldn’t remember when he felt so awkward. “Well, yes and no, I haven’t told her yet and I do plan to ask her to marry me. I don’t know whether or not she’ll accept.”

  “Oh, she’ll accept, all right. She’s had her sights set on you since that first weekend in Paris last fall.” Kathy stood up. “Well, I guess our private discussion is over, isn’t it?” She stood, turned and began to walk back toward the apartment.

  Jerry jumped up and moved toward her. He didn’t know what more he could say but hated to see her so angry and unhappy. He put his hand on her arm. Kathy spun around and shouted, “Don’t touch me, you bastard!” She pushed Jerry away as hard as she could. She caught him off balance and he fell backward into the cold swimming pool.

  Jerry went under and then surfaced, sputtering, flailing his arms, and shaking his head. The water was like ice and he could feel his muscles tighten. He quickly swam to the edge of the pool. He seemed to turn blue in the few seconds he was in the cold water. Hand over hand, he reached the ladder and climbed out. He lie on the deck for a moment and then got up on all fours and stood. He p
ut his arms around himself and shook. Kathy was nowhere in sight.

  Kathy paused a moment and saw Jerry flailing away in the cold pool. She sursprised herself by mumbling, “I hope he drowns.” She was pretty sure he could swim and she almost ran to her apartment. Ricky was startled as she burst through the door. She almost shouted at him, “I’m sorry Ricky, but I’m going to ask you to leave.” She grabbed his wheelchair and almost dumped him out as she pushed him over the threshold and down the single step landing. She knew that Jerry would be wet and cold when he got out of the pool but it served him right.

  Ricky asked, “Wh, wh, wh, what ha, ha, happened, Ka, Ka, Ka, Kathy?”

  “Jerry will tell you. I’m sorry. I’m sure he’ll be here shortly.” Kathy went back inside and locked the door. She heard Jerry speak to Ricky and then knock on her door.. She peeked through a drape and saw a wet and shivering Jerry begin to push Ricky toward the parking area. She wasn’t about to let that snake-in-the-grass in her apartment. She flopped down on the bed and bawled.

  “Wh, wh, what happened ? Ka, ka, Kathy said ‘so, so, sorry’ and pu, pu, pushed m, m, me o, o, out the d, d, door.”

  “She pushed me into the swimming pool.” Jerry had already knocked on Kathy’s door several times and got no response. “Well, Rick, I’m soaked. Let’s go find me some dry clothes.”

  They found a Wal-Mart at the edge of town and Jerry bought himself a pair of jeans, shirt, socks, and underwear. He changed in the men’s dressing room. As he dressed, he started laughing at how suitable Kathy’s response had been. He then began to feel sad about hurting her. He told Ricky why she was so angry and asked him to not tell anyone about his decision. Ricky said he would not tell but added that he felt sorry for Kathy. He ended by saying, “I, I, al, al, always thought ya, ya, you were all wet. Nn, n, now I know.” Jerry couldn’t help but chuckle but it disappeared immediately when he saw tears streaming down Ricky’s face.