Wrestling With God Read online

  Chapter 25

  REBECCA

  As I entered our favorite Italian restaurant, I found myself thinking about how simple and pleasant our lives had been before we met Jack Carroll. We often had a 'couples' night out; now we had to fit one in as best we could, whenever we could.

  J.J. was waiting in the elegant foyer. Following the receptionist to our table, J.J. said, "As I was waiting, I realized that this is the restaurant we were kicked out of when I was around seven."

  "Kicked out of?" I asked, "Why, for God's sake?" The young receptionist heard us and turned around.

  "We were told that they didn't serve 'coloreds' here. Even at seven, I felt so humiliated."

  The receptionist put her hand over her mouth, then exclaimed, "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That makes me so ashamed of us."

  I asked, "That had to be after l965 when discrimination became illegal, wasn't it?"

  "Yeah, but it wasn't enforced too well. My uncle was a civil rights attorney and he filed a lawsuit. We won and, as I understand it, the suit forced every restaurant in Missouri to stop discriminating."

  As we were being seated, our receptionist said, "I'm so glad your uncle filed suit. That makes me feel better. I'm Ilene James, and I'm half-black too." I realized for the first time, that I never thought of J.J. as black.

  "Are you okay with us staying here now, J.J.?" She assured me that she was fine with it now. "I think a glass of wine will help all of us."

  Our lovely waitress said she'd make sure our wine was 'on the house' and we all ordered the 'house' Cabernet.

  After tasting the wine and ordering our dinners, J.J. began, "I really am glad that you both decided to join me for dinner. What I want to talk to you about is Jack Carroll."

  I glanced over at Jerry and he frowned. I wondered if he was thinking the same thing I was—that J.J. had decided not to continue her relationship with Jack. That would break his heart, I was sure. I simply said, "Okay." Jerry nodded and, I could tell, he had to work to relax his worried expression.

  "As you know, I love Jack more than any man I have ever known. But I am having some nagging doubts about the wisdom of marrying the twin of a pedophile. I told my closest friend, also a psychologist, about him and our plans about getting married. She had a fit. She almost screamed, 'My God, J.J., you can't do that. You can't put your children in such a dangerous position.' Well, she went on and on and I had a helluva time getting her to shut up. But she did shake me up and I am wondering what you think about all this. Am I putting my children at risk? As much as I love Jack, I can't let my children be in jeopardy. Please give me your honest opinion. You first, Rebecca, mother to mother, what do you think?"

  I took a sip of wine. "Well, honestly, J.J., I believe Jack is the 'real deal.' I am not a psychologist like you and Jerry and your friend, but I believe I am a good judge of people and I have been around the block, as they say. And I have a good bullshit meter, as Jerry calls it. I have spent quite a bit of time with his twin, Joe, and the only thing that Jack has in common with Joe is his intelligence and his looks. Temperamentally and character-wise they are as different as Hitler and St. Francis. Has your friend met Jack? And more than that, has she spent any real time—I mean one-to-one time with him or even only with you, her and Jack?"

  "No, she has never met him." She took a rather long drink of her wine, then continued. "I think she is just thinking what textbooks and therapy manuals say about identical twins. As you both know, I have spent a lot of time with Jack these past few months and I agree with everything you've said, Rebecca, but one more question. Would you leave April with Jack if you and Jerry went on a four-day trip? I don't include Julie because I think Julie can take care of herself in almost all situations, so I'll add that Julie is off on one of her basketball jaunts."

  "I would in a minute and feel she was in good hands."

  Jerry entered the discussion, "J.J., I think the textbooks rely too much on averages and expected results. They are never talking about everyone. Jack would be considered an 'outlier', a person who falls outside the norm. He is like one of my classmates in the seminary who had eight siblings and was the only one who had gone to college, the only male out of six who didn't drink or do drugs, etc. He was an 'outlier' in his family."

  J.J. shook her head. "But Jack has spent his entire adult life in a prison. He has had no experience with marriage nor has spent any time with children until the last four or five months. I worry that he might do fine for a few months or even years and then snaps ... gets so angry he hurts Shaq or Halle."

  Jerry rubbed his chin thoughtfully, then said, "J.J., did you take Dr. Madrona's elective course on epi-genetics?" She shook her head and he went on. "We are also what we allow ourselves to feel and think. Madrona says our activities, life-style, and especially choices, change our genetically given cells. He calls it epi-genetics and that recent research reveals that an adult person who deliberately changes their way of thinking, feeling, and acting does change their cellular structure, and will pass on different genes than those he or she was born with. As you know, Jack says that he has been 'wrestling with God' for l8 years and his brother 'married the Church' and chose to conform or follow all of their dictates. Obviously, his brother did not conform to the teachings of the Church on sexuality."

  "I really like Jack's description of 'wrestling with God.' You, J.J., are doing that right now. You are struggling to do the right, loving thing for your children. You are in love with a wonderful guy and still wondering if he will also be good for your children. I feel I have gotten to know Jack as well as you have." Jerry chuckled and added, "Well, almost as well as you have over these past few months, and I would trust him with my life and my family."

  "Thank you both for sharing your thoughts. There is one more doubt running around in my head. Jack has really never been around children. Look at his brother Joe. He was even put on a list of people who were recommended to become a bishop! He had fooled an awful lot of people to get on that list, right? What about Jack, is he fooling a lot of people?"

  Jerry smiled, "You've got me there, in a way. I have not met Joe, the twin, but I have talked to Rebecca and some of his fellow priests and the bishop who put him on the list. The bishop reminds me of that Rev. Winston we met this week—so full of himself and so full of shit. I would never leave April with either one of them. They even give me creeps. I've really wrestled with my own guilt for accidently killing my dad. Jack has been wrestling with God and his guilt for deliberately killing his dad who was beating his mother and not protecting his younger sister, whom he believes was molested by his dad and possibly by his brother. Neither one of us has turned into killers." J.J. seemed to relax a bit more when she heard this.

  I asked, "How does he get along with Halle and Shaquille?"

  "He is a bit shy with them, like he doesn't want to hurt them or push them away, or ... I'm really not sure why. That bothers me a little. I do have to admit that they are not afraid of him in any way, and as you often say, Jerry, children have an accurate sense of who is safe and who is not. They have never been hurt by any adult—of that, I am sure. If anyone hurt them, I'd hear them scream all the way to Booneville."

  I was about to say something but stopped as the waiter brought us our food. We stopped our Jack-centered conversation and began enjoying our food, which was delicious. None of us ordered dessert. J.J. said, "I'll have to bring Jack here for dinner one of these days." She chuckled and added, "If I decide to break our engagement off, I will have a helluva time, because I've been saying things like that for weeks. He's in my epi-genes, as your Madrona would say."

  We were interrupted by my cell. "Hold on, folks. It's Julie and she's baby-sitting, so I better take it." She almost yelled, "Mom, guess who just called me?" Before I could guess, she screamed, "Geno Auriemma, then Muffit McGraw."

  I didn't know who either of them were, so I just said, "That's nice, dear. Who are they and why are they so important that you called in the middle of our dinner?"


  She screamed, "Oh, Mom, you're impossible. Put Dad on."

  I handed the phone to Jerry, "Hi, Punkin. What's up?" He listened for a minute and then said, "That's great! Did you tell Coach Auriemma that you've already signed a letter of intent to Notre Dame?" A pause, then, "Yeah, I can understand. We'll talk when we get home, or in the morning. You are one fantastic girl, Julie baby."

  "So who are those important people, wise guy?"

  "Geno Auriemma is the coach at UConn, and the most winning girls' basketball coach ever. He only calls the best high school basketball players in the country. And McGraw is Notre Dame's basketball coach and, as you know, Julie has already signed with her. She called to confirm it."

  J.J. exclaimed, "Wow, I didn't know Julie was that good. To get a call from either of those coaches is a real honor. I so wanted to go to UConn but I never got a call. I settled for Missouri University. I'll give Julie a call tomorrow."

  "So I'm the ignorant one here. Let's get back to you, J.J. Now I'm going to get even more personal, "So, J.J., how is Jack in bed?"

  "I'm surprised you'd bring this topic up in front of Jerry, but, well, if you are comfortable with it, I'm okay with it. In bed, Jack is funny and delightful." She giggled like a teenager, "Fortunately, he laughs at himself. He is so slow and deliberately so. The first time I had an orgasm when he was on top, he screamed, 'Oh, I'm sorry, J.J., I didn't want to hurt you.' And I had to put my hand over his mouth to shut him up, so I could tell him what I was feeling and it was all good and wonderful."

  "Jerry did the same thing. He thought he was killing me." I looked over at him and he pretended to be confused and shook his head and pointed at himself and shook his head again and chuckled. I know he hates it when I talk so openly about sex—a carry-over from his priestly days, I'm sure. I asked about sex because I believe there is a connection between a man's gentleness and consideration of his partner and his ability to be gentle and sensitive with children. What do you think?"

  Jerry answered first, "It sounds right but I don't know if there are any studies on it."

  "It sounds right to me, too, Rebecca. I think you are a better psychologist than many of our classmates ... especially some of the males." J.J. turned to Jerry, "Jerry, does your Dr. Madrona have a book he recommends on epi-genetics?"

  He told her he had written a very readable book on the subject and he would loan it to her.

  "Now tell me, Jerry, when you were a priest, were you ever like that dreadful Reverend Winston?"

  "God, I hope not. If and when you meet Father Wayne Cameron, my closest friend from those 'good old days,' you can ask him. He did say one time that when we were first ordained, that I talked like I just had breakfast with God. And he didn't mean God, like Jack does when he says he wrestles with God. Personally, I think that people like Winston are very insecure people who need to hide behind absolute moral dictates because they are afraid to think for themselves."

  As we left the restaurant, J.J. thanked us profusely and said we had reassured her and that her love for Jack was a positive life-giving experience for him. And his love for her was definitely life-giving for her and would be for her kids. "I'm 98% sure I want to marry him. I'll keep you posted, as soon as I nail the last 2%."

  Chapter 26

  REBECCA

  The house phone rang and Plato began barking up a storm in the kitchen. I yelled at Jerry, "You get the phone; I'll see what Plato is upset about." Plato was not one of those dogs that barks at almost anything. I heard the garage door opening and then closing. That would probably be Julie and Kathy and someone else because the barking continued. He never barks at the girls when they are coming in.

  I heard Julie yell, "Jack, what the hell is wrong with you?"

  I ran to the door and Julie crashed through, almost knocking me down. "Mom, Jack's gone nuts, he knocked Kathy down!"

  Looking through the open door I saw the twin with the paunch and said, "That's Joe Carroll, not Jack. What the hell is he doing here?" Then I saw Kathy lying on the walk and her head bleeding profusely. Plato ran out the door and lunged at Joe. Joe put an arm up to protect himself and the dog grabbed his arm with his teeth and dragged Joe away from the girl. I yelled, "Julie, call 911!" I grabbed a dish towel and ran and knelt down beside Kathy and tried to staunch the flow of blood with the towel.

  Jerry rushed through the kitchen and told Julie that he had already called for an ambulance. He then asked her to take care of April who was wailing like a siren near the stairs. He took Plato's collar and ordered him to let go of Joe. With his foot, he pushed Joe down on the concrete flat on his stomach. "Don't move, asshole, or I'll let Plato get to your fucking head. What are you doing here, anyway? And I know that you escaped from the hospital this morning in Belleville."

  Joe whined, "I just want to talk to Rebecca. She can help me if she understands. Please, let me talk to her. It won't take long. Please ..." He sounded like a sick little boy.

  Without taking his foot off Joe, Jerry asked, "What did you do to Kathy? What did you do to your own daughter, you mean son-of-a-bitch?"

  "She, she hit at me and yelled at me. I was just protecting myself from her."

  I can't remember seeing Jerry so angry. Through gritted teeth, he said, "So you hit her hard enough to knock her down, is that it?"

  "I, I, I didn't mean to hurt her so badly. She musta, she musta, stumbled. I, I, I don't know. Can I, can I, go inside? I'm, I'm cold." Joe sounded so damn pathetic.

  Jerry continued to be relentless and I was proud of him. "You can get warm in jail, you bastard. You can wait on the concrete, like your daughter who won't be able to move until the paramedics get here. Idiot." He pushed his foot down and I heard Joe let out a pitiful moan. Jerry asked Julie to bring a blanket for Kathy and a jacket for me as we waited for the ambulance.

  While we were waiting, Jerry said, "Rebecca, that phone call you asked me to get was from Len Stewart, the District Attorney in Belleville. He wanted to tell us that Joe had escaped from the hospital and that the police thought he might be heading to St. Louis. He got that much out before I heard that Joe was right here. How bad is Kathy's wound?"

  "She has lost a lot of blood and she's still unconscious. She seems to be breathing okay. I think she hit her head on this shoe scraper here." I motioned toward the steel bar that stuck out of the concrete at the edge of the walkway.

  The ambulance arrived and Julie, with April in her arms, ran to the end of the driveway to show them where we were.

  They quickly pulled out the gurney and a medical bag and ran to us. One of the medics asked, "How is her breathing and how long ago did this happen?"

  "Her breathing seems okay but she has been unconscious since she fell about ten or so minutes ago. I think she hit her head on this ..." I pointed at the shoe scraper. They bandaged her quickly and gently placed her on the gurney.

  Joe called out in a whiney voice, "Fellas, please take a look at my arm. The dog bit me and I think he broke my arm."

  One of the medics began to gently push the gurney toward the ambulance and the other one knelt down and ordered Joe to take off his jacket and roll up his sleeve. Joe seemed to dawdle a bit and the medic yelled, "Please hurry, man." There was no blood on his arm and, after feeling the arm, the medic declared, "You'll have a hell of a bruise but nothing is broken."

  Joe whined, "Are you sure?" The fellow nodded and ran to catch his companion and Kathy.

  A police car, with lights blazing, pulled up behind the ambulance, and two uniformed policemen ran up the driveway. Looking at Joe, now sitting up on the driveway, the older of the two policemen said, "Is this the guy who attacked the girl?"

  I was standing next to Jerry and Plato and I answered, "Yes, this is Joe Carroll, also known as Father Joe Carson, and he pushed the girl down and she hit her head on this." I kicked the shoe scraper.

  Joe's whining was getting to me. "Officer, I bumped her, I didn't want to hurt her. I just need to talk to this lady here and the girl arrived ju
st as I was approaching the house. I just bumped her, believe me."

  "Do you know this man, ma'am?"

  Jerry answered, "Yes, we know him, officer. The District Attorney in Belleville called just as he and Kathy arrived. He told me that Joe had escaped from custody this morning. He has been held on suspicion of rape, child molestation, and possibly murder."

  The senior cop, Jenkins on his badge, nodded and addressed Joe, "Well, Joe whatever your last name is, you can go with us now." He turned to his partner and said, "Paul, put the cuffs on him."

  Joe whined, "Please, officer, let me have just a few minutes with Ms. Brady, please, that's all I ask. Please?"

  The cop turned and looked questioningly at me. I said, "I don't want to be alone with him."

  Just then Jack Carroll and J.J. came hurrying around the side of the house. Julie informed us that she had called them, hoping that Jack could help us with his brother. Jerry introduced them to the policemen and told them what happened and that Kathy had been taken to the hospital.

  Joe ignored them and again begged the policemen to let him talk to me.

  I thought that whatever Joe wanted to tell me might help the DA's case against the bastard. I addressed the older cop, Jenkins, "Officer, it might help the DA if I do get some ideas from Joe, so if he stays handcuffed, I'll talk with him. We could talk in our downstairs office."

  Jenkins said, "He can say whatever he needs to say right here, ma'am. We cannot allow him to be alone at this time. Are you okay with that?"

  I felt relieved that I would not be alone with him and I nodded. J.J. showed me her cell phone and said, "I'll record this, okay?" I nodded.

  Joe shrugged his shoulders and said to Jenkins, "I guess it's okay." As if he had a choice. He turned to me, and ignoring everyone else standing around in the cold, he began, "Rebecca, I want you to believe me when I say that I truly loved these children you have written about. I really did love them. I grew up in a family where my sister and brother received all of our mother's and father's love and respect. I even became a priest in hopes of gaining some of my mother's love. So, as I entered the priesthood, I was starved for love. You have to believe me. Lorraine Brassley, Kathy's mother and my first love, loved me so much for years and even bore a child for me. That is what she said, but she turned on me when I told her I could not have a child. All of these children were so good and loving toward me for a long time until something happened that turned them against me." He said all this in a torrent of words—as if the velocity and volume of his words would convince me of his innocence.