Wrestling With God Read online

  I interrupted him, "Joe, do you really think I believe all this? Do you believe it?"

  "Oh, Rebecca, of course I believe it. It is God's honest truth. You have to believe me. You have to tell the world that I am a loving priest who did love these children. Please convince my brother that I am a good man and not an evil person. You have to, Rebecca, you have to. Please believe me. Please believe in me." He lurched forward like he wanted me to give him a hug. I moved a step back and the younger policeman held him back.

  Joe moved sideways as far as possible and continued his plea, "Oh Rebecca, let me hold your hand. Let me hold you so I you can experience me as a loving person."

  At this point he started to cry like a little boy at his mother's knee. It was the first time that I realized that he was a very sick man. "Joe, I have heard all of your victims cry like you are crying now. You have hurt them very badly. It is important that you realize this and then you may be able to heal and forgive yourself."

  "Oh Rebecca, please understand, they are only children—and children who truly loved me at one time and knew that I loved them too. Oh, Rebecca, please believe me and let the world know. Please ." He again lurched toward me but this time J.J. was ready and she grabbed him by the collar and pulled him back.

  "Joe, I will ask the police to take you back to jail."

  Jenkins and his partner pulled Joe away from our small crowd. Joe made one last plea and slumped down so that the officers had to nearly carry him to their car.

  Jerry had gone into the house to catch a ringing telephone. He returned and said, "The hospital called and Kathy has lost a lot of blood and will need several transfusions. Unfortunately, she has a very rare blood type. They said Jack and Joe both may have a match." Jack and J.J. left for the hospital immediately.

  Jerry ran to inform the policemen before they left. He later told me that Joe objected to the idea of him donating blood. Jerry said, "And that miserable little bastard said ." he mimicked Joe's whine, "'They can't take my blood. They will take all of it and I'll die. I know these hospitals; they'll take all of my blood. No, I won't go there.' I asked Jenkins if he would see that Joe gets to the hospital after he's booked back at the police station. He said he would."

  Even though I was almost too tired to stand up, I said I wanted to go see how Kathy was doing. I was also too wired to go to sleep anyway, so I grabbed my coat and left. Joe's pleading did not, in any way, help me to feel sorry for him. I still hated the man and I would make sure he donated blood for Kathy.

  Chapter 27

  REBECCA

  I ran to the garage and jumped in my car and started to back out and noticed that I hadn't pushed the button to open the door. I waited impatiently for the damn door to open and backed into a police car. I muttered to myself, "Way to go, idiot. Take a deep breath and slow down; I know you're going to make sure a girl is safe."

  I couldn't stop my hurry-up mode and backed the car into the wall on the left side of the driveway. That did it! I took a deep breath and relaxed my shoulders. My arms didn't fall off, so I decided to slow down and try again. I muttered to myself, "Okay, okay, please slow down, you don't want to kill yourself after all this, do you?" I told my better self, "Oh shut up."

  I did manage to be careful but had to remind myself to slow down. When I got to the hospital I found a parking space on the far side of the parking lot. I ran into the emergency room and breathlessly inquired where I could find my daughter Kathy. Irritatingly, slowly, and quietly the attendant told me that she was in surgery. She then directed me to the room where I might find Joe Carroll.

  After all that hurry-up, I now had to wait for Joe and the police detective to finish booking the bastard, before I could find out anything. I went back to the desk and inquired about Jack Carroll. I was directed back to a curtained enclosure next to the room I had been before. J.J. saw me and came out and gave me a hug. Jack was resting behind her. J.J. said there was a match of blood types, so Joe could be a donor also. Kathy's blood type was like one in a hundred thousand or something like that. Interestingly enough, Officer Jenkins was also a match and he had given a pint of blood, so things were looking up.

  I saw a uniformed policewoman and a detective almost dragging Joe Carroll down the hall. I continued talking to J.J. and Jack, until I knew they had time to talk Joe into donating blood. I heard him whining as we talked. I waited a few more minutes and then went into Joe's room.

  When I entered, the detective, Dave Lawson, was pleading with Joe, who was hand-cuffed behind his back and behind the back of the chair, "Listen, I cannot force you to give blood to this girl but she has a very rare blood type and she will need several pints of blood and so far, you, your twin, and one other person are the only ones with her type."

  "No, I won't give her any of my blood, so get me out of here."

  I ran over to them and told the detective, "Give me a minute with this bastard, will you?"

  "Give it a try, lady. He's all yours. I'll be right outside the door."

  As soon as the door closed, I grabbed Joe's hair with my left hand and I yanked his head back—hard. With my right hand, I grabbed his nose and twisted. I was standing at his left because I knew he would try to kick me and he did. "Go ahead and kick at me, asshole!" I said through gritted teeth, and slowly and very deliberately added, "Every time you kick me, and the harder you kick, the harder I'll yank your head and twist your ugly nose." I gave it a hard pull and he grunted. Through gritted teeth, I slowly hammered each word at Joe, "Listen here, you miserable sonofabitch, you raped this girl's mother and made her pregnant, and then you forget them for fifteen fucking years. Then you find this girl who is your daughter and think she's pretty and you raped her and made her pregnant. Now you knocked her down and nearly killed her and possibly her child. A child who would be your granddaughter."

  I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing Kathy had already aborted the fetus. "Now, you ... miserable asshole." I yanked his head back as hard as I could and I twisted his nose as far as it would go. "You are going to give her enough blood to save her life." I let go of his nose and said, "Now, say yes!"

  "Okay, bitch. They can take some of my blood, now. But I am going to get you, count on it! "

  I went to the door and looked at the detective, "Did you hear any of this?"

  "Officially no, but personally I now can tell the hospital staff that he has orally given them permission to draw the blood. We'll keep him here and locked up tight. I did check and one of the nurses said to tell you that you should get some rest because Kathy will be unconscious for several hours. She recommended that you perhaps could come back in the morning."

  I turned to go. I gave a last look at Joe Carroll and saw that his nose looked like a gob of bloody sausage had been glued to his face. I was too exhausted to laugh. Hawkins whispered, "Good job, Mom." I heard him.

  I don't think I had ever been so viciously mean in my life, nor do I think I ever felt so good about being mean. I drove home on a high that didn't include any drugs or alcohol. The thought that I may have been venting all the anger I felt for the damn stepfather that raped me didn't stop me from feeling good about venting my rage at Joe Carroll.

  I thought I would tell Jerry about how I treated Joe, but not about my delight in doing it.

  Then I thought, "Oh, my God, maybe all or most people who hurt or kill other people do it so they will feel this kind of high! Maybe I'm just like them!" I shuddered and felt a chill run down my spine. I lost my delight.

  Chapter 28

  REBECCA

  When I got home, the house was lit up like a Christmas tree and the driveway was packed clear out to the street. I parked on the street and went in. The only one who was asleep was April and she was in Jerry's arms. I had completely forgotten that we had invited Father Wayne Cameron, Jerry's closest friend from his clerical years, to join us for a quiet weekend. He was talking with J.J. and Jack. I was surprised that they came back to our house, then I remembered they wanted to m
eet Wayne. Dan McGuire and our neighbor Agnes, along with Julie, were talking to Sonia and her significant other, Xavier. So, it was a party, and everyone was holding a drink, mostly water, in their hands. Jerry was the only one sitting down and he waved with his free hand. I shrugged and told myself to get in a party mood whether I was too tired or not.

  I gave Wayne a hug, "Well, Wayne, were you expecting to see such a large welcoming party?" He grinned and shook his head. I added, "I have to admit that I had forgotten that you were coming. Did Jerry tell you what was going on?"

  "Yes, and when I saw all these people, I was thinking I had the wrong house. Plato saved the day by licking my hand at the door." He whispered, "Julie introduced me to Jack, the Wrestler, Carroll. Why is he called 'the Wrestler'?"

  I chuckled and whispered back, "I'll just say that he wrestles with God. I didn't know Julie called him that, but it's cute. Ask him what that means; you might learn something."

  Julie rushed over and asked, "Mom, how is Kathy doing? Is she going to be okay?"

  "I didn't get to see her. She was still in surgery and I was told she wouldn't be conscious until morning, so I would do well to come home. A doctor said that the surgery was going as well as could be expected. They brought in a brain surgeon to help. I hope she pulls through with an uninjured brain. I did convince Joe to donate blood for her, so it was a worthwhile trip." I lowered my voice and asked, "What are all these people doing here?"

  "I think J.J. and Jack told Sonia, and Dan was visiting Agnes, so ..." she lowered her voice, "I think Agnes and Dan are sweet on each other ... as you old folks say." She grinned and I made a face at her.

  I told Jerry that I persuaded Joe Carroll to give some blood for Kathy. I would tell him the whole story when we were alone.

  We let the party go on for a while longer and around midnight, Jerry, rather loudly, proclaimed, "Rebecca, I think we should go to bed so these people can go home, don't you?" Some chuckled and some frowned until they saw his big grin, and then began to say their goodbyes. When all but Wayne had left, I took April from Jerry and put her in bed. Jerry showed Wayne Kathy's room, where he could bunk down.

  The three of us went back downstairs. I got myself a large glass of red wine and they joined me for the same. "Well, Wayne, I'm sorry that the weekend isn't going to be quiet. Had you ever met Father Joe Carson—aka Carroll?"

  "As a matter of fact, I did, several years ago. I thought he was a very stiff and arrogant jerk ... although very smart. He was very pre-Vatican 2, I thought. Of course, I didn't know he was a twin and a pedophile. I talked briefly with Jack this evening. He is the very opposite of his brother. I asked him why Julie called him 'the wrestler' and he told me the story of the moniker. I like it. I'm guessing I, too, am a wrestler. I sure can't rely only on the teachings of good old Thomas Aquinas anymore, or our 'Holy Mother Church.' So how is the prison reform team coming along, Jerry?"

  "Well, you met the team this evening. Jack Carroll obviously is no longer in prison and he's the one who changed our world completely. It was my idea to have two women on the team and J.J. and Sonia have been wonderful. Dan McGuire is now the assistant warden and he is our liaison with the administration. As you can see, they all have become part of our support community."

  "I really felt at home with everyone. Over the past few years, I have been more able to 'feel' a group. If nearly all the people are open and genuinely at home with themselves, then there is a warm and compassionate feel emanating from the group. Your team has a warm feel to it and I don't know what word to use. Maybe 'tough' is the word, but tough in a good way. Even you two seem to be tougher than when I last saw you before Christmas. And I don't mean that in a bad way or in any way derogatory but more that you seem stronger and more worldly-wise.

  "Jerry, I haven't seen you since that terrible experience on the highway. God, I can't believe you killed two people and now are peacefully sitting there." Jerry started to say something and Wayne held up his hand. "I know you didn't deliberately kill them or that you are a murderer but I'm wondering if your toughness comes from that experience, and maybe the entire prison experience.

  Even Jack and the two women have that kind of strength, don't you think?"

  I decided to jump in with my evening's tough experience. "Jerry, I think Wayne may be right. Now, this moment sitting here talking to you two, I feel stronger or tougher than I have ever felt in my life. At the hospital, the detective was having a hard time with Joe Carroll. Joe said he had the right to refuse to give blood for Kathy and the detective said he could not legally force him to do so. I told the detective to leave him alone with me for a few minutes, so he did. Joe was handcuffed with his hands behind him. I grabbed his hair with one hand and his nose with the other. Every time he kicked at me, I yanked his hair and twisted his nose. I must have done this a dozen times and finally tears were streaming down his face and his nose looked bloody. I then asked him if he was ready to give some blood to save his daughter's life. He said 'yes' but said someday he would 'get me'."

  Wayne said, "Wait a minute. You said 'daughter.' How is she Joe's daughter?"

  I told him that I had discovered he had impregnated Kathy's mother and then, not knowing he was the father, raped her daughter, fourteen years later.

  He sighed and shook his head, "What a bastard. I can see why you were so savage with him. I can't blame you. Remind me never to get on the wrong side of you. I always knew you were a strong character. Now I know you are a tough, savage, woman. So these kind of experiences have made you and your team tough, right?"

  "Well, as our Father Confessor, do you think we can still get into heaven?" Jerry chuckled.

  "You know, I think Jesus Himself was tough like you guys. I've always hated those pictures of a 'sweet' Jesus. That Jesus could never have carried that cross that mile and endured the crucifixion and said, 'Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.'" Wayne then waved the sign of the cross toward each of us. As a non-Catholic, for the first time, I realized the significance of it. That blessing felt good.

  "I don't want to talk about some hypothetical Jesus. I want to talk about me and my damn experience. Now I have a conflict. I am not sorry that I was 'savage' with that idiot. I really felt good, really good, when I left that room and after the detective called the desk and told them Joe would give blood. Are you two hearing me? I was happy, glad, delighted—no shame or guilt, then or now. You got that? It's a big damn deal! And I don't think I'm going to hell for it either! "

  Wayne responded, "I'm sorry, Rebecca, I didn't want to make light of your experience. I did jump into your story too quickly. I apologize. I don't believe you should feel guilt or shame about feeling okay about how you treated Joe. This is another experience of wrestling with God. In only a few seconds, you made the decision to inflict pain on Joe so he could help save Kathy's life. If you had said to yourself, 'I'm going to be a good girl and just plead with him,' and if he still refused to give blood, you'd be mad at yourself right now, don't you think?"

  "You bet I would."

  "I gave a sermon recently stating that I believed that God created a field of compassion and love, just like He created the field of gravity and electro-magnetism. And just as Isaac Newton discovered the field of gravity, we are now realizing that Jesus revealed the field of love and compassion. I truly believe this." I evidently looked at Wayne like he was changing the subject, because he added, "And this is relevant to our discussion now, Rebecca, because you definitely are involved and open to the field of love and compassion and you also can drop into the anger and hatred that allows us to be 'savage' as I called it earlier."

  Jerry jumped in, "So, Wayne, while I was holding my foot on Joe and wanted to kill him, I was reflecting the passion of hate and fear, but still not losing my place in this field of love and compassion you're talking about?"

  "Yes, it is not either-or, but both-and, as long as we keep our passion directed at life-giving practices. If either of you had ended up killing Joe, you
would have left the field of compassion, I think. As you can tell, I think this whole theory needs more work, but I really like this kind of theorizing."

  Jerry drained the wine from his glass and staggered a bit when he got up. "I think I can find this useful in our work with the prison inmates. I'll drink to your theory."

  Wayne held out his glass as Jerry walked by and said, "Me too. I don't know whether or not you're still interested in Catholic theology, but I've been reading a few books on what is being called quantum theology. Are you interested?"

  "Of course, I'm interested. I learned how to let people know my religious affiliation when I asked a fellow student if she was a Muslim since she said her parents were born in Egypt. She said, 'In my own way.' I thanked her and said, "Now, I know what to say to people who ask if I'm still a Catholic. I'll say, 'In my own way.'" He asked me if I wanted more wine and I declined. He came back with two glasses half full of wine and sat down in his papa bear chair and said, "Wayne, ol' buddy, tell me about quantum theology before I go to bed. Maybe I'll have good dreams."

  "There is a new breed of theologians who have incorporated recent developments in science with our understanding of theology. I'll give you a couple of books I've brought along, but here is a brief outline: First, Quantum Theology indicates, or posits, that God is incarnate in all of creation from the Big Bang beginning. In that original happening, there were several fields of energy that have been gradually discovered over the last few thousand years. The most basic field is the field of gravity, then the field of electro-magnetism, next is the field of cells—the morphogenic field or fields of living and moving beings or animals, then the field of thought, or as Teilhard de Chardin calls it, the 'noosphere,' and finally the field of compassion or the field of 'loving one another' as Jesus revealed and lived. The theory seems to imply that there may be even more complex and wonderful spiritual fields beyond the field of compassion and love. Because of your devotion to Teilhard's ideas, I think you'll like it."